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The Roast Desk

Roast Your Friends

Thirty good roasts that land, plus the five rules that keep them funny instead of cruel.

A roast is a compliment wearing a disguise. Done right, it tells someone you've been paying attention for years — to the way they park, the way they answer group chats, the way they claim to be a morning person with a straight face. Done wrong, it's just an insult with a laugh track.

Below are roasts sorted by occasion, followed by the rules we hold our own generator to. Steal any of them, or hand us a few details and we'll write one for your friend.

Best roasts for friends

  • You give directions like a man who has never once been to the place he's describing.
  • You've had 'we should catch up soon' in your drafts since the last royal wedding.
  • Your idea of meal prep is buying the same sandwich five days in a row and calling it a system.
  • You reply to group chats forty minutes late with 'lol' and think that counts as attendance.
  • You describe yourself as low maintenance while requiring a twelve-message thread to pick a bar.
  • You've been 'five minutes away' for so long it's become a location.
  • You quote podcasts like they're scripture and cannot name one of the hosts.
  • You own three water bottles and are still dehydrated.

Funny birthday roasts

  • Happy birthday to someone who now checks the weather before agreeing to anything.
  • Another year of you telling the same story with slightly better lighting each time.
  • You've reached the age where a good chair genuinely improves your week.
  • Congratulations on another year of leaving parties at 9:40 with a stretch and a sigh.
  • You're not old, you just have opinions about mattresses now.
  • Every year you say this is the year you get organised. Every year the calendar disagrees.
  • Happy birthday. Your back is older than you are and it wants everyone to know.

Roasts for the group chat

  • You react to every message with a thumbs up like a manager approving expenses.
  • You've suggested the same restaurant eleven times and you're going to do it again right now.
  • You send screenshots of things we're already in the chat for.
  • You leave voice notes that need chapter markers.
  • You've muted this chat and still complain about being left out.
  • You have never once picked a date. You have only ever said 'any day works'.
  • You send memes from 2019 like you found them in an archaeological dig.

Work and hobby roasts

  • You joined a running club to buy the shoes.
  • You start every meeting with 'quickly' and end it eleven minutes over.
  • You've been learning guitar for four years and still play the same eight seconds.
  • You describe yourself as a morning person and arrive at 11:40 with an iced coffee and a traffic story.
  • Your desk plant is a hostage situation.
  • You bought a bread machine to avoid a two-minute walk to the shop.
  • You say 'circle back' to avoid saying 'I forgot'.
  • Your gym membership is the most expensive charity donation you make.

How to roast someone (without being cruel)

Roast the habit, not the human

Behaviour is fair game. Bodies, faces and identity are not — that's not a roast, that's an insult with a hat on.

Be specific

'You're messy' is nothing. 'You have a chair in your bedroom that exists purely to hold clothes' is a roast.

Keep it short

One or two sentences. A roast that needs a paragraph of set-up is an essay.

Land on affection

The best roasts prove you pay attention. Finish somewhere warm and nobody's checking the exits.

Know the room

Roast in front of people who love them. Never roast someone about something they're genuinely struggling with.

Send the roast, don't just read it

Give us their name and a couple of details. We'll write it, wrap it in a front-page reveal, and hand you a link to send yourself. $2.99 a roast, or five cards for $7.99.

Write my roast →

Roasting, answered

What makes a good roast?
A good roast targets a habit the person openly owns — always late, terrible parker, unbeatable at losing keys. It should be specific, short, and something they'd repeat about themselves.
How do you roast someone without being mean?
Never touch appearance, body, weight, age, race, religion, disability, gender or sexuality. Roast behaviour and choices, not identity. If they wouldn't laugh in front of their mum, cut it.
What are good roasts for a birthday?
Age jokes land best when they're about habits that come with age: early bedtimes, complaining about music, having strong opinions about mattresses.
Can I get a roast written for me?
Yes. Give us a few details about your friend and our generator writes a roast that stays funny, not cruel — then you send it as a suspenseful reveal link for $2.99.